Teammate Etiquette
by Alphawolf69
Summary: Or ‘How Not to Make Your Companions Want to Kill You’ Or ‘How NOT to Make Friends and Influence People’. A series of oneshots where Anomen is reeducated in how to treat to his companions. Will he survive it? Warnings for extreme Anomenbashing and humour
1. Lesson 1: Never Make a Cute Elf Cry

Team-mate Etiquette

Or 'How Not to Make Your Companions Want to Kill You'

Or 'How _Not_ to Make Friends and Influence People'

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bioware or any of its products, but I do have a corporate takeover planned.

**Author Notes:** These one-shots will be randomly as and when I come up with them. I do not intend to do every NPC however.

* * *

Part the First: Never Make a Cute Elf Cry.

"Sometimes...I like to sit and watch the birds soaring through the sky...they-they look so happy" A soft voice whispered, longing colouring its tone. "I imagine what it would be like if-"

"For Helm's sake, wench!" Bellowed the irate, bearded and 'noble' figure of Anomen. Several party members glanced at each other, silently agreeing not to involve themselves in the potential disaster. "Pull yourself together! Your wings are **gone **and no amount of whinging is going to grow them back again! Join the temple of Illmater if you enjoy reliving your suffering so much." Silvery translucent drops of moisture pooled in the corners of the delicate elf's crystal blue eyes, threatening to spill. Charname's jaw clenched tightly, while their fists trembled with outrage and disbelief and stared daggers at the plate-mailed paladin's back as the young woman ran away, sobbing quietly.

Imoen glared at the unrepentant warrior-priest.

"You mean buffle-headed JERK!" She shouted, expertly kicking him -in the most delicate and sacred (and unfortunately least protected) of places a man possesses- and rushing after her distraught friend without staying to listen to the howls of pain as he curled protectively around his 'Helmeted Anomen'.

"Do **not** look to me and expect a healing for_ that, _wael." Viconia snorted as she stalked disinterestedly past the whimpering form.


	2. Lesson 2: Never Insult a TeamMate's Pet

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.

Part the Second: Never Insult a Team-Mate's Pet.

"Ah, Boo..." Minsc murmured, somewhat more quietly than usual, to his hamster. "What is it you crave for your supper this night?" The bald berserker gently held up his tiny companion up to eye-level, peering earnestly into the small mammal's beady eyes. "Walnuts? Berries? Acorns? Ask! And Minsc, your friendly neighbourhood ranger shall provide, even if he has to fight off hordes of rabid squirrels to do so!"

Boo squeaked.

From across the fire, Anomen rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. His party sighed too, but for different reasons.

"Minsc, Minsc, Minsc. My dear, simple-minded, idiotic buffoon. Tis' unnatural the earnestness with which you converse with that rodent-have a care with your unhinged ramblings, lest I report _you_ to the Cowled Wizards." Anomen declared derisively. "It is of my humble opinion that Spellhold is the only place suitable for one afflicted such as yourself."

Minsc appeared unconcerned and completely unoffended by these insults/threats. Only remarking, as Boo squeaked again, "Boo says you're full of- ooo, Boo that sort of language is inappropriate for a young rodent of your stature!" Anomen coloured as the sound of the rest of the group sniggering into their gauntlets was audible. "Really Boo?" Minsc's head tilted to one side in obvious surprised as he listened to more of the rodent's squeaks. "_That_ is why Anomen carries such a large sword?" The sniggers turned into chortles. "But surely he knows that it is the size of a man's VALOUR in battle that determines victory and honour, not the size of his-"

"ENOUGH!!!" Roared Anomen, his face an unhealthy shade of puce as the rest of the party rolled around on the ground laughing maniacally (okay, just Charname and Imoen -Jahiera and Viconia expressed their amusement with more decorum: their shoulder shook silently with laughter as they turned away from the rest, while Aerie tittered nervously into her hand). "STOP TALKING TO IT AS THOUGH IT CAN UNDERSTAND YOU! IT IS A THRICE-DAMNED, CHITTERING LITTLE VERMINOUS _**RAT**_, FOR THE LOVE OF HELM! IT.** CANNOT**. _SPEAK!_"

The laughter ceased abruptly; Imoen and Charname's arms were frozen around each other's shoulders for support as they all stared in horror at the idiotic warrior-priest.

"…Rat?" Minsc spoke, his voice dangerously quiet. "Rat?" The volume rose slightly as his free hand clenched with enough force to crack rock. Or a very stupid person's skull. Very, very, very slowly, the rest of the group eased out of his line of sight and thus removed themselves from the zone of immediate disaster.

"Oh boy…" Muttered Imoen. "Sucks to be helmet-head right now…"

"Cover your eyes, Imoen," Charname told her, protectively raising a hand over the younger girl's eyes, "You have enough nightmares from when that freak Irenicus captured you…" Imoen batted playfully at the restraining appendage.

"Aw c'mon, lemme see!"

"_**RAT?!?!?!**_" Roared Minsc drawing the two-handed sword from his belt –with one hand.

"…eep." Muttered Imoen, pulling the hand back in front of her eyes.

"N-now Minsc," Anomen stuttered, sweat pouring down his forehead as he (too late) began to realise the enormity of his mistake.

"BOO IS A GIANT MINATURE SPACE HAMSTER!" The bald berserker screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. "BOO HAS MORE WISDOM IN HIS LITTLEST CLAW THAN INHABITS THE REST OF YOUR BODY! HE IS **NOT** _VERMIN_!"

And with that the Rasheman berserker leapt forward.

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Several miles away, a cloud of birds took to the air as a chorus of agonised screams pierced the air, followed by an enraged bellow. 

"_**-go for the eyes Boo, GO FOR THE EYES!! RrraaaAAGHGHH!!!**_"


End file.
